Thursday, November 6, 2008

She fears if she stands she'll fall down...

So much can happen in a day. You can change the world for better or for worse... you can start with an amazing day and end destroyed... you can start with a bad day and end with hope. I hate not knowing which it will be. But I never do. Every time I think I've finally hit my lowest... I fall lower yet again.

Yesterday as you may remember... those who are reading my chronicling of the Unimportant... was a stressful but good day. Later after I wrote I had some... surprises. I found out some people who I thought didn't care did, and some who I thought cared didn't. Don't even ask I'm not revealing any names. Then... after all of that... I discover that my great uncle I was close to has passed away. I knew this was going to happen because he had been sick for a long time, and because I thought I had finally reached the end.

GOD!!!! Where does it end? When am I officially humbled? I am totally crushed beneath this load... help me.

I fear the future... I don't know how much longer we have on this earth. I'm bitter right now. I want to spout off about how stupid life is... how we can't trust anyone. But I know I can't. I keep praying... I stay in bible study. I'm afraid that I won't fulfill any of my goals... I'll never have to joy of a husband and children. Usually that fear causes me to want to attach to anyone who would take me... but now my fear pushes me in the other direction. I fear commitment, I fear Those Three Words desperately.

I want to pull away... to hide... I'm not afraid of any stupid presidents... who cares? Bad leaders rise and fall... good leaders turn bad... bad leaders turn good. Take a look at King Manasseh of Israel! Worst and best king of Israel... leaders we think are bad turn out good and vice versa. And besides... if you don't like it don't sit around and complain... GET OUT AND CHANGE IT!!!!! The rules are the same for everyone... you people think I'm joking when I say I'm going into politics... well to a degree I am... I'll never be anything more than the little guy... but the little guys can do a LOT. And I'm ready to do my part... to push my buttons til they're broke... to make change where I can how I can. I'm ready to help the brainwashed public however I can... including the conservatives!!!! Fighting words? I'm ready... bring it! YES we are brain washed too. We think because someone's stamped with Republican or states they are for or against something THEY ARE. Well they aren't always. Some of you know what I mean. Let's get a balanced Biblical worldview people. Let's get smart... read up on things... be ready to accept we don't agree with things. And make a change. We are the voice... even if it was a dictatorship here... we are STILL the voice. Our job is to make the lives of the people around us BETTER.

But that's hard to do when you are afraid of your fellowman. Sometimes I think I could be a reclusive journalist of one sort or another and just write about all these things from the safety of my room with my teddy bear close by. (And I've broke my weaning... I took Patrick to work. But I'm not sorry. I need him. He doesn't mind my tears and he'll never leave me.) But how can I get on other people's cases about it if I won't do it myself? Doctor, heal thyself! And that's precisely what I'm trying to do.

It's amazing how TV programs can change your life. I've been watching a lot of detective TV shows, plus reading Sherlock Holmes... and I am so much more suspicious now. It cracks me up when I catch myself looking at people in the grocery store as a potential criminal. Of course EVERYONE is a potential criminal but I need to quit analyzing.

I may be done rambling now... I'll think of something vital to say when it's too late. Have a great day... know God's blessings to you... and know that I will find God... prolly where I least expect it.

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