Thursday, November 6, 2008

Live your life with no regrets... burn your own saftey net...

I've had some struggles getting going this morning. It's not because i don't have anything to say... I have way TOO much to say. So... I'm gonna say some of it and forget the most important parts. just because that's what I always do.

I voted for the first time in my life yesterday... at least as far as presidential elections go. I was so excited I had to save filling in that little bubble for last. And when I did... i wanted to draw little hearts and flowers and stars and balloons around Palin's name like a second grader would on a note to it's crush. But I figured that would disqualify my vote... so I didn't. i was SO happy afterwards... the happy just bubbled all over me and to every one else. I had all the people outside of the voting place laughing and smiling and just having a great time. Then my sister (Sarah) and I decided to spread the joy at Starbuck's since I could hypothetically get a free brewed coffee. But I hate brewed coffee at Starbuck's... if I'm gonna get a Starbuck's I want a real Starbuck's! And then happiness number two of the day got me.


Now that may mean absolutely nothing to you but to me.... it's heaven. I LOVE Christmas... I LOVE December... it's the MOST meaningful time of year to me... if you really want to get to know me, to get to see my amazing side... to mean a lot to me... spend a Christmas season with me. EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in the Christmas season is heavenly... is remembered glowingly... I dance through the snow and sing ALL the time... I go ice skating and plan parties... and fall on my butt a lot... so what? I'll think about that in February. I decorate trees and build fires and wear red every day. I bake cookies and just play the fool. I love it.

Yesterday was an amazing day. I didn't lose that even when my sisters were constantly fighting or when my dad got on me for... something that I forget... LOL. It was almost a December day. =)

Today has been as stressful as yesterday was amazing. Oh it's still a good day. But to wake up to find out my worst fear was running the nation... that was hard. It was hard enough to get up at 4:45 this morning but that news shortly thereafter was saddening. Then I nearly dropped this lady I'm taking care of... I had to pray SO SO much... I held her for a long time... which was hard... seeing as she weighs about as much as I do and was just about dead weight. Then I gagged so hard when I was changing her I threw my back out. i try to hide it as much as is possible when I gag because I don't want her to feel bad... it's so hard because my stomach is SO picky right now.

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

God is changing me so much lately. I've taken to doing dance aerobics at night n my room because I have all of this.... MOTION.... in me. Besides I need to tone up. I am so random.... I am so tired of things being left up to me... I can't do it. And what's more... I WON"T. I've done and done and done... and I broke. And I broke not only me but those around me... those who loved me. If I was to have my way I'd say every one GO from me... I can do nothing good. I am the failure! Don't feel bad... don't start apologizing... if you had put yourself where I put myself... you would have failed too. It may have taken more time or less time... it may have been greater or smaller... but it doesn't matter. It would have happened. I'm relying on God... He makes things successful. So... I'm ok and even better... God keeps giving me things I don't deserve... like every breath.

As to the election... what a let down. However... I am calm... I am patient. God has His plan... and I sincerely believe that He is punishing America by giving her... precisely... what she thinks she wants. Haven't Americans fought for this legacy for many years? With abortion laws and homosexual laws... it's been a long hard fight. And she won. She has "beaten" God for now... just like Israel. We will regret it... but we can survive. We must be strong so that when the flames have burned down we merely emerge more purified and stronger than before.

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