I have this deep, retching loneliness today. I feel like I'm totally alone... totally isolated. For a long while i had this idea that if I died I would just... poof... vanish from everyone's life. Then I was convinced otherwise. Now... I feel precisely the same. If I went missing would anyone notice? I know in my heart that people would but my head won't believe it right now... I've cried a lot this morning.
No one talks to her, she feels so alone,
She’s in too much pain to survive on her own,
The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife,
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life,
Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves,
When she throws the pills out, a hero is made...
I haven't cut but the lyrics just seemed to fit... nor did I take any pills this morning. I have seen both of those scenarios in the past though. And I want to be a hero... so those kinds of things are being thrown out of my life never to return if I focus on God.
Not only because of that but because I made myself a cup of tea to take to work... put milk in it... and it was all sour. So there went a whole cup of tea down the drain. Then when I was getting my lovely charge out of bed I pinched my finger in the hospital rail and gave myself the loveliest blood blister you've ever seen. Actually it's not that impressive... but it sure hurts. Anyway. I'm done whining.
The one thing I know that makes life ok right now... God is here. No matter if no one else knows that I exist or don't exist... He's here. He knows how many hairs are on my head. He knows the fact that I am missing the past like crazy and scared to death of the future. Somehow even though I feel like i'm dying inside... He's there... He gives me the strength for each slow, plodding step I'm taking.
I'm ready to break out... I want to be able to breathe without the chains so tightly wrapped around me... I can't breathe in deep without hurting so badly... that must end. I can't make anyone like me... but i can make people hate me. I've let people dismantle me... pull pieces of me off and throw them around as though they were unimportant. I'm recollecting myself. I'm not ending any friendships or anything I just want me back. I threw myself away... I thought by giving not of myself- but myself- I would gain love and acceptance. I need to relearn EVERYTHING. The good news is I'm willing... and when I come back... although I will never be the same... I will never totally be WHOLE again... parts of me will not reattach like others... I will be a better woman. A WOMAN. Not a little girl. Not a young woman, but a REAL woman.
I am who I am
I am woman hear me roar and I am salt, I am sand
A million starfish stranded, landed, I’ll throw back what I can
I’ll save the planet, change the world, I’ll make a one girl stand
I’ve got better things to do than be shown off
I won’t be the doll you lock up in a box
Don’t expect me to be anything I’m not
Cause I won’t be what I can’t be
But I want to be real
I want to find out who I am
And I will find my way to heal
And I will find my voice my stand
God... I know You're with me. I can feel You changing my heart even now. Help me to keep loving even when it hurts... You love me even when I hurt You.
They said don't try to change the world
You're just a girl
So it's..me against the world today
I'm gonna do it Your own way
And though nobody understands
I'm gonna make a one girl stand
It's my Independence Day
I can't waste time on what they say
If we believe when we have faith
We're gonna change the world someday
I will not be afraid... I can stand. And I'm going to... starting now.