Thursday, November 6, 2008

Election...other thoughts...

Ok so currently I'm obssessed with writing notes... it helps me feel like I'm being open and honest without the fear of tons of people reading it. I know most people don't read other people's notes... but then maybe only the people who are actually involved read them or something. Honestly... I don't know who does... and I don't really care. I'm just being upfront and honest and what people do with that is up to them. =)

I am SO EXCITED to vote today. I'm not excited to stand in line forever... but I am excited to put that mark down for Sarah Palin! I won't deny... I'm a Palin voter. Hey, I respect McCain... I think he has some good ideas and such. But I am ALL fired up for Palin. I want to be like her when I grow up. I love her almost as much as I would if I actually knew her. She's my hero. =) PLUS I think she is very beautiful... I think me in politics is what America deserves for punishment.

I'm so sad I'm going to miss Josiah's after election party. I had wanted to have one so bad... but the people I was going to invite well... anyway. And now I don't have time to pull one together. So... I'm there in spirit Josiah!!!!!

I'm really stressed lately cause I'm weaning myself off of having my teddy bear, Patrick with me 24/7. Oh I still sleep with him tight to me... but I'm TRYING to grow up. It sucks. Lol but I am so ready to... so ready. I'm tired of being STUCK at age 14. I'm tired of being so afraid of the future. I am so so SO tired of being hurt... again and again and again. But the only thing i can change is me... so I am changing me. Or at least... letting God change me. That's what He's been waiting for all along.

So this job is so hard on me. I must have gagged a million times just this morning. But... i think this is God keeping me where He wants me... totally humbled... totally abased. I pray so much within every day... every time I have to lift her... every time I have to help her go to the bathroom... just every time. It's one of those things that you want to say "oh God may I never live that way." But if I did live that way... all that I pray is that God will send someone who truly cares. Who stands by me even with the gagging and struggles. I am used to humblness right now... not that I'm amazing at it or perfect... but the idea of more humility is not... terrifying to me. I just need people to be able to stand by me... and even if I don't have that... I need God.

I tried to watch Napoleon Dynamite the other day... and I couldn't do it. I know that kind of... loser-ism... rejection... all that. I literally sat there and bawled throughout that "comedy". Oh I know he gets "redeemed" in the end... but I can't go through the hour or 2 hours of hurt and rejection to get the 5 minutes of redemption in the end. That gives me a very dismal view of my life. I'll have rejection through all the years of my life to have a small moment of happiness. I can't think that way.

Anyway... I have so much to figure out... and I just don't know what my life is going to look like. But I don't let myself think any farther than the evening... I don't think about tomorrow or the day after. I'm TERRIFIED of Thanksgiving... all the family asking questions etc. *UGH* Anyway...

That's all I have for now folks!

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