Ok so currently I'm obssessed with writing notes... it helps me feel like I'm being open and honest without the fear of tons of people reading it. I know most people don't read other people's notes... but then maybe only the people who are actually involved read them or something. Honestly... I don't know who does... and I don't really care. I'm just being upfront and honest and what people do with that is up to them. =)
I am SO EXCITED to vote today. I'm not excited to stand in line forever... but I am excited to put that mark down for Sarah Palin! I won't deny... I'm a Palin voter. Hey, I respect McCain... I think he has some good ideas and such. But I am ALL fired up for Palin. I want to be like her when I grow up. I love her almost as much as I would if I actually knew her. She's my hero. =) PLUS I think she is very beautiful... I think me in politics is what America deserves for punishment.
I'm so sad I'm going to miss Josiah's after election party. I had wanted to have one so bad... but the people I was going to invite well... anyway. And now I don't have time to pull one together. So... I'm there in spirit Josiah!!!!!
I'm really stressed lately cause I'm weaning myself off of having my teddy bear, Patrick with me 24/7. Oh I still sleep with him tight to me... but I'm TRYING to grow up. It sucks. Lol but I am so ready to... so ready. I'm tired of being STUCK at age 14. I'm tired of being so afraid of the future. I am so so SO tired of being hurt... again and again and again. But the only thing i can change is me... so I am changing me. Or at least... letting God change me. That's what He's been waiting for all along.
So this job is so hard on me. I must have gagged a million times just this morning. But... i think this is God keeping me where He wants me... totally humbled... totally abased. I pray so much within every day... every time I have to lift her... every time I have to help her go to the bathroom... just every time. It's one of those things that you want to say "oh God may I never live that way." But if I did live that way... all that I pray is that God will send someone who truly cares. Who stands by me even with the gagging and struggles. I am used to humblness right now... not that I'm amazing at it or perfect... but the idea of more humility is not... terrifying to me. I just need people to be able to stand by me... and even if I don't have that... I need God.
I tried to watch Napoleon Dynamite the other day... and I couldn't do it. I know that kind of... loser-ism... rejection... all that. I literally sat there and bawled throughout that "comedy". Oh I know he gets "redeemed" in the end... but I can't go through the hour or 2 hours of hurt and rejection to get the 5 minutes of redemption in the end. That gives me a very dismal view of my life. I'll have rejection through all the years of my life to have a small moment of happiness. I can't think that way.
Anyway... I have so much to figure out... and I just don't know what my life is going to look like. But I don't let myself think any farther than the evening... I don't think about tomorrow or the day after. I'm TERRIFIED of Thanksgiving... all the family asking questions etc. *UGH* Anyway...
That's all I have for now folks!
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