Reflections

So I'm finally writing today... it took me a long time to be able to think of anything worth writing ABOUT.

So... I have an article I'm still thinking about... it's going to be a scorcher cause I'm angry. LOL. But before I get on other people... I think I'll get on myself.

I have been reading this awesome allegory... it's called Hind's Feet on High Places. It talked about the seed of Love that the Shepherd plants in our hearts. The seed of Love is shaped like a long, sharp thorn. When the Shepherd shows the seed to the main character, Much-Afraid, she cowers in fear and asks if it will hurt. He says that it will, but it's worth the hurting. She then asks him then if she will be loved in return. At first the Shepherd says there is no guarantee of that. Then He tells her that yes.. she will definitely be loved. She just always must love.

This means a lot to me. Oh this is just one chapter in a very meaningful book... but that REALLY hit home right now. I may not always be loved by those I love here on this earth... but as long as I keep loving I will feel God's love inside of me. And that will be enough for me to keep giving to those around me.

Love hurts... it hurts every single day. Love hurts when it's good... when it just wants to BURST out of you. Love hurts when it's bad... when you feel like you've been sucked dry and are collapsing inside yourself.

I'm so tired of taking out my hurts and such on the people I love the most. That's not showing God's love to anybody. And I'm certainly not feeling God's love when I do it. And yet... the only way I can describe it is I'm so tired of being coaxed out of my cocoon... and then having my wings ripped off. I mean come on... I may only be a moth but that's not fair! I tried making myself wings out of steel but those just hurt the people around me... and when i would try to fly I wouldn't be able to lift myself... and the sharp edges would slice me up as well. Every time I just built myself a bigger and better cocoon. But now... I'm seeing that if I actually want to be the butterfly... I have to remain vulnerable. I have to lay here when I feel defenseless in my broken state. Then the Healer will have me emerge from my cocoon to fly on wings He chooses for me... wings that I will feel aren't strong enough or practical enough. But He will sustain me... He will keep them on me... and I will fly... for Him.

Well... it seems I have more to say but my brain has shut down... SO I'll write it later.

Angels and Prinicpalities

So I was being subjected to another episode of Touched by an Angel, a show which I hate by the way. You want to know why I hate it? Because these beings... these angels supposedly... walk into these dysfunctional peoples lives and with a few sleight of miracle tricks they make everything perfectly right again. For a moment I thought "if only it worked like that." And in a way I still kind of think that way. I mean... if every person who was going through a tough time or was making bad decisions just needed an angel to walk in and snap their fingers to help them change their minds and make life better in two days or less then wouldn't this world be an AMAZING place to live? Oh sure there'd be trouble every once and a while but we wouldn't have to worry about it for long. We'd have an earthly paradise.

So since that's not the way it really is... I started thinking about what angels actually are. Are you ready for this? Cause these are some wild thoughts.

Ok so I was thinking that if an angel is someone who makes life better for someone else... wouldn't I be an angel? When I'm bent over helping pt Mrs. Tebbets shoes on... or helping her go to the bathroom... or changing her pants... or feeding her lunch. When I'm abasing myself and forgetting myself to make her comfortable and happy.

And then again... what if I'm merely helping an angel? What if by forcing me to abase myself and forget myself... she's actually the angel teaching me the lesson. Preparing me for life. Introducing me to the real world, the world of living in God's favor. Helping me to learn to truly love. Teaching me about patience and constant prayer. So that I can be a better woman.

Now don't get me wrong. I know there is a special being created by God that is not human and is called an angel. But I also know that sometimes angels masquerade as humans. " Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2 And I'm also playing on the fact that the word for angel in the Greek is evangelion- meaning messenger.

But I also know that the best lessons in life can be learned from the person you least expect to learn anything from. I know I have learned SO much about life here at Mrs. Tebbet's house. I have seen that by doing these menial tasks for her... even tasks that make me gag... ESPECIALLY tasks that make me gag... I am loving her. I am showing God's love to her by being willing to do it. And in that way, I am bringing the message of God's love to her every day. Whether she remembers it or not.

She brings me the message of God's love by showing me how God will stick with me through horrible things day by day by day like He has with her. Also by illustrating to me exactly what God does for us. He sees us in our helpless estate and He reaches down and takes care of us every day through thick and thin, good and bad, to make our lives a better place. Sometimes He makes us do things we don't like, like when I make Mrs. Tebbets eat. Sometimes He takes us through painful things, like when I make her do her therapy. But in the end, it's all for the better, and we come out stronger and more alive then we were before.

In that way... haven't we all been Touched by an Angel?

Princes and frogs... the stories of our lives...

I have this deep, retching loneliness today. I feel like I'm totally alone... totally isolated. For a long while i had this idea that if I died I would just... poof... vanish from everyone's life. Then I was convinced otherwise. Now... I feel precisely the same. If I went missing would anyone notice? I know in my heart that people would but my head won't believe it right now... I've cried a lot this morning.

No one talks to her, she feels so alone,
She’s in too much pain to survive on her own,
The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife,
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life,
Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves,
When she throws the pills out, a hero is made...


I haven't cut but the lyrics just seemed to fit... nor did I take any pills this morning. I have seen both of those scenarios in the past though. And I want to be a hero... so those kinds of things are being thrown out of my life never to return if I focus on God.

Not only because of that but because I made myself a cup of tea to take to work... put milk in it... and it was all sour. So there went a whole cup of tea down the drain. Then when I was getting my lovely charge out of bed I pinched my finger in the hospital rail and gave myself the loveliest blood blister you've ever seen. Actually it's not that impressive... but it sure hurts. Anyway. I'm done whining.

The one thing I know that makes life ok right now... God is here. No matter if no one else knows that I exist or don't exist... He's here. He knows how many hairs are on my head. He knows the fact that I am missing the past like crazy and scared to death of the future. Somehow even though I feel like i'm dying inside... He's there... He gives me the strength for each slow, plodding step I'm taking.

I'm ready to break out... I want to be able to breathe without the chains so tightly wrapped around me... I can't breathe in deep without hurting so badly... that must end. I can't make anyone like me... but i can make people hate me. I've let people dismantle me... pull pieces of me off and throw them around as though they were unimportant. I'm recollecting myself. I'm not ending any friendships or anything I just want me back. I threw myself away... I thought by giving not of myself- but myself- I would gain love and acceptance. I need to relearn EVERYTHING. The good news is I'm willing... and when I come back... although I will never be the same... I will never totally be WHOLE again... parts of me will not reattach like others... I will be a better woman. A WOMAN. Not a little girl. Not a young woman, but a REAL woman.

I am who I am
I am woman hear me roar and I am salt, I am sand
A million starfish stranded, landed, I’ll throw back what I can
I’ll save the planet, change the world, I’ll make a one girl stand
I’ve got better things to do than be shown off
I won’t be the doll you lock up in a box
Don’t expect me to be anything I’m not
Cause I won’t be what I can’t be

But I want to be real
I want to find out who I am
And I will find my way to heal
And I will find my voice my stand

God... I know You're with me. I can feel You changing my heart even now. Help me to keep loving even when it hurts... You love me even when I hurt You.

They said don't try to change the world
You're just a girl
So it's..me against the world today
I'm gonna do it Your own way
And though nobody understands
I'm gonna make a one girl stand
It's my Independence Day
I can't waste time on what they say
If we believe when we have faith
We're gonna change the world someday

I will not be afraid... I can stand. And I'm going to... starting now.

A Discourse on Love

My dear readers-

Being a poet

and yet

still considering you
as smart
or smarter than myself

I will now discourse
with you
plainly
on
the subject of Love

I will not describe a fresh, fragrant
flower
plucked in the
Spring of Youth

Nor of the golden
honey sweetness
in the Autumn of Life

Instead...

imagine a young woman
beautiful,
swollen, and doubled
over with birth
pains
With a child
whose father she never
knew,
and never wants to

She was chaste
oure for her
wedding day
But one moment
of walking
unguarded in a dark
city park
And the deed was done

Now, she's determined
to not only carry
th child
But to give it a name
and the best life she, as a
mother can give

Imagine a young man
with a face
that appears 20 years
older than himself
dragging himself out of bed
at 4:30 in the morning
to go to a job
he hates,
where he doesn't earn
what he should

To feed he, his wife, and young child
Resisting all urge to
run away,
give up,
or cheat

So his family may have
a better life

Imagine the grandparents
past the prime
of their child raising days
struggling to keep up
with a little boy and girl
Because their daughter
the children's mother
cannot even see to herself
nevertheless
the needs
of the precious little ones

Now imagine the young
woman, now mother
Smiles at her daughter
And shows the uncomprehending girl
the diamond ring
that will change their lives
and give the lovely girl
a loving father, as well as
a loving mother

Visualize the young wife
waiting anxiously up
for her worn husband
to come home
To greet him with a smile
And loving arms and words
To tell him about his son
To make his life worthwhile

Imagine the joy
of the grandparents
when their daughter
comes home for good
Repentant
and cleaned up from her
previous life
Ready to give her children
the life and love they deserve
and are waiting for

Now...
the best part of all

Imagine a man
wise beyond his years
a vagrant
But widely followed
Imagine betrayal
His friend calls him in

He is beaten beyond
recognition
Unfairly tried
Disrespected
Lied about
and Silent

He is convicted
sentenced to die
on no charges
only lies

He dies
a terrible death
torturous
cruel
No mercy, no relief

His friends astonished
broken, lost

Then-

Three days later
He returns
Raised from the dead

Miraculously

And forgiving those
who tortured,
lied about
and killed him

THAT

is love.

A story from the heart....

“I'm just tired of being a problem.” The silence that fills the car after that statement makes me very uncomfortable. Glancing over at the person sitting next to me, I notice his eyes are closed and his lips almost imperceptibly moving. Understanding him to be praying, I begin looking out the windows. Dark clouds are forming quickly overhead, and I know it is going to rain. It fits my mood.
Eventually he looks over at me. “What... what exactly leads you to believe you are the problem?” Shifting in my seat, I turn so he can't see my face. I begin to smooth the soft cloth cover of the seat. “Well... a small example is my food allergy. I am so tired of people thinking that they have to be SO careful and take care of me all the time because I have reactions. I know that I react badly, but I want to be able to care care of myself. It just frustrates me so much.”
Silence again takes over. I begin to feel his eyes looking straight through me. I wonder if I can get out of the car fast enough to run through the field next to us in the rain. I refuse to look at him, conscious that eye contact will make me cry. Mentally, I disallow myself even the thought of crying. I will be strong, I will pull through. I grasp the idea that crying would make him unhappy, and perceive that I would want physical comfort, a hug, a touch, something personal. Sensing this to be unwise, and perhaps even impossible, I steel myself against all emotion. Remembering I am wearing his jacket, I push it off so that nothing of him is touching me.
I hear him turn more towards me. “Are you alright?” he whispers. I turn to glance at him for a second, and quickly turn away again, the look of gentle sympathy in his eyes tearing at my heart. I make a lame attempt at a smile, and nod my head shortly. Realizing that I am not telling the truth, he reaches out his hand and touches my back gently. I harden my heart for a mere second, but eventually the gentility of his voice and his touch are too much for me. I turn into him and begin to sob on his chest.
It is obvious for one second that this surprises him. He does not pull away, but his breath comes more quickly and I hear his heart pounding. Mastering himself, he begins to softly stroke my back and tell me everything will be alright. The warm, spicy scent of his cologne fills my chest with heat, and I begin to cry in earnest. He draws me closer to himself, continuing to murmur I am okay. His hand goes to my head and he tenderly begins to smooth my hair. The pounding rain and my quiet sobs are the only noise in the car for a while.
After about ten minutes I have settled down into a whimpering cry. I know I should pull away, but I have a comfort in his arms I have never felt before. I close my eyes and relish the warmth and closeness of him. He wraps both of his arms around me, and I snuggle closer into him. My hair has fallen in my face, but I do not dare move to push it away. I merely want to be close to him for that minute.
Suddenly, I notice a change in the atmosphere in the car. I hear him begin to swallow, as though he were fighting tears himself. Surprised, I start to tip my face up to look at him. As I do so, I feel tears start to fall into my hair. Finally getting my face lifted up to his, I see the teardrops coursing down his face. I am totally astounded. My heart swells, and I reach up my hand to wipe away his pain. The tears come faster than I can move. “It's okay.” I barely breathe.
He is done very shortly after he starts. I wonder what is going on inside his head, but am contented to just lean into him and let him caress my hair and back. My hand had been wrapped around his arm, but I move it closer to his wrist. Somehow, we end up with our fingers tangled. Still feeling completely sheltered in his embrace, I have no desire to move. He begins to shift, and I fear he is going to pull away. Instead, he tucks me closer into himself and rests his chin on my head. Gently, he tilts his head downward and kisses the top of my head, just barely brushing my hair. My heart stops for a second, my breath catching in my throat.
A sudden noise startles both of us. The cell phone sitting on the armrest between us suddenly starts singing it's hard, screaming song. We pull away and laugh a little. He answers the phone, and talks to the person on the other side for a minute. I hear a male voice, and figure it is his father, asking him when he will be home. I stretch, my back stiff from being in an awkward position for so long. He hangs up and looks at me. “I have to go now.” I smile at him and nod. “I probably have to go too. Thanks for being my friend.”
That day I learned about friends. I learned that true friends can cry together, even when they are not sure why they are crying. I discovered the feeling of truly trusting someone. And I found the truth in the old adage, “A friend in need, is a friend in deed.”

She fears if she stands she'll fall down...

So much can happen in a day. You can change the world for better or for worse... you can start with an amazing day and end destroyed... you can start with a bad day and end with hope. I hate not knowing which it will be. But I never do. Every time I think I've finally hit my lowest... I fall lower yet again.

Yesterday as you may remember... those who are reading my chronicling of the Unimportant... was a stressful but good day. Later after I wrote I had some... surprises. I found out some people who I thought didn't care did, and some who I thought cared didn't. Don't even ask I'm not revealing any names. Then... after all of that... I discover that my great uncle I was close to has passed away. I knew this was going to happen because he had been sick for a long time, and because I thought I had finally reached the end.

GOD!!!! Where does it end? When am I officially humbled? I am totally crushed beneath this load... help me.

I fear the future... I don't know how much longer we have on this earth. I'm bitter right now. I want to spout off about how stupid life is... how we can't trust anyone. But I know I can't. I keep praying... I stay in bible study. I'm afraid that I won't fulfill any of my goals... I'll never have to joy of a husband and children. Usually that fear causes me to want to attach to anyone who would take me... but now my fear pushes me in the other direction. I fear commitment, I fear Those Three Words desperately.

I want to pull away... to hide... I'm not afraid of any stupid presidents... who cares? Bad leaders rise and fall... good leaders turn bad... bad leaders turn good. Take a look at King Manasseh of Israel! Worst and best king of Israel... leaders we think are bad turn out good and vice versa. And besides... if you don't like it don't sit around and complain... GET OUT AND CHANGE IT!!!!! The rules are the same for everyone... you people think I'm joking when I say I'm going into politics... well to a degree I am... I'll never be anything more than the little guy... but the little guys can do a LOT. And I'm ready to do my part... to push my buttons til they're broke... to make change where I can how I can. I'm ready to help the brainwashed public however I can... including the conservatives!!!! Fighting words? I'm ready... bring it! YES we are brain washed too. We think because someone's stamped with Republican or states they are for or against something THEY ARE. Well they aren't always. Some of you know what I mean. Let's get a balanced Biblical worldview people. Let's get smart... read up on things... be ready to accept we don't agree with things. And make a change. We are the voice... even if it was a dictatorship here... we are STILL the voice. Our job is to make the lives of the people around us BETTER.

But that's hard to do when you are afraid of your fellowman. Sometimes I think I could be a reclusive journalist of one sort or another and just write about all these things from the safety of my room with my teddy bear close by. (And I've broke my weaning... I took Patrick to work. But I'm not sorry. I need him. He doesn't mind my tears and he'll never leave me.) But how can I get on other people's cases about it if I won't do it myself? Doctor, heal thyself! And that's precisely what I'm trying to do.

It's amazing how TV programs can change your life. I've been watching a lot of detective TV shows, plus reading Sherlock Holmes... and I am so much more suspicious now. It cracks me up when I catch myself looking at people in the grocery store as a potential criminal. Of course EVERYONE is a potential criminal but I need to quit analyzing.

I may be done rambling now... I'll think of something vital to say when it's too late. Have a great day... know God's blessings to you... and know that I will find God... prolly where I least expect it.

Live your life with no regrets... burn your own saftey net...

I've had some struggles getting going this morning. It's not because i don't have anything to say... I have way TOO much to say. So... I'm gonna say some of it and forget the most important parts. just because that's what I always do.

I voted for the first time in my life yesterday... at least as far as presidential elections go. I was so excited I had to save filling in that little bubble for last. And when I did... i wanted to draw little hearts and flowers and stars and balloons around Palin's name like a second grader would on a note to it's crush. But I figured that would disqualify my vote... so I didn't. i was SO happy afterwards... the happy just bubbled all over me and to every one else. I had all the people outside of the voting place laughing and smiling and just having a great time. Then my sister (Sarah) and I decided to spread the joy at Starbuck's since I could hypothetically get a free brewed coffee. But I hate brewed coffee at Starbuck's... if I'm gonna get a Starbuck's I want a real Starbuck's! And then happiness number two of the day got me.

THEY HAD OUT THEIR CHRISTMAS CUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that may mean absolutely nothing to you but to me.... it's heaven. I LOVE Christmas... I LOVE December... it's the MOST meaningful time of year to me... if you really want to get to know me, to get to see my amazing side... to mean a lot to me... spend a Christmas season with me. EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in the Christmas season is heavenly... is remembered glowingly... I dance through the snow and sing ALL the time... I go ice skating and plan parties... and fall on my butt a lot... so what? I'll think about that in February. I decorate trees and build fires and wear red every day. I bake cookies and just play the fool. I love it.

Yesterday was an amazing day. I didn't lose that even when my sisters were constantly fighting or when my dad got on me for... something that I forget... LOL. It was almost a December day. =)

Today has been as stressful as yesterday was amazing. Oh it's still a good day. But to wake up to find out my worst fear was running the nation... that was hard. It was hard enough to get up at 4:45 this morning but that news shortly thereafter was saddening. Then I nearly dropped this lady I'm taking care of... I had to pray SO SO much... I held her for a long time... which was hard... seeing as she weighs about as much as I do and was just about dead weight. Then I gagged so hard when I was changing her I threw my back out. i try to hide it as much as is possible when I gag because I don't want her to feel bad... it's so hard because my stomach is SO picky right now.

And this is how it feels when I ignore the words you spoke to me
And this is where I lose myself when I keep running away from you
And this is who I am when, when I don't know myself anymore
And this is what I choose when it's all left up to me

Breathe your life into me
I can feel you
I'm falling, falling faster
Breathe your life into me
I still need you
I'm falling, falling
Breathe into me
Breathe into me

God is changing me so much lately. I've taken to doing dance aerobics at night n my room because I have all of this.... MOTION.... in me. Besides I need to tone up. I am so random.... I am so tired of things being left up to me... I can't do it. And what's more... I WON"T. I've done and done and done... and I broke. And I broke not only me but those around me... those who loved me. If I was to have my way I'd say every one GO from me... I can do nothing good. I am the failure! Don't feel bad... don't start apologizing... if you had put yourself where I put myself... you would have failed too. It may have taken more time or less time... it may have been greater or smaller... but it doesn't matter. It would have happened. I'm relying on God... He makes things successful. So... I'm ok and even better... God keeps giving me things I don't deserve... like every breath.

As to the election... what a let down. However... I am calm... I am patient. God has His plan... and I sincerely believe that He is punishing America by giving her... precisely... what she thinks she wants. Haven't Americans fought for this legacy for many years? With abortion laws and homosexual laws... it's been a long hard fight. And she won. She has "beaten" God for now... just like Israel. We will regret it... but we can survive. We must be strong so that when the flames have burned down we merely emerge more purified and stronger than before.

Election...other thoughts...

Ok so currently I'm obssessed with writing notes... it helps me feel like I'm being open and honest without the fear of tons of people reading it. I know most people don't read other people's notes... but then maybe only the people who are actually involved read them or something. Honestly... I don't know who does... and I don't really care. I'm just being upfront and honest and what people do with that is up to them. =)

I am SO EXCITED to vote today. I'm not excited to stand in line forever... but I am excited to put that mark down for Sarah Palin! I won't deny... I'm a Palin voter. Hey, I respect McCain... I think he has some good ideas and such. But I am ALL fired up for Palin. I want to be like her when I grow up. I love her almost as much as I would if I actually knew her. She's my hero. =) PLUS I think she is very beautiful... I think me in politics is what America deserves for punishment.

I'm so sad I'm going to miss Josiah's after election party. I had wanted to have one so bad... but the people I was going to invite well... anyway. And now I don't have time to pull one together. So... I'm there in spirit Josiah!!!!!

I'm really stressed lately cause I'm weaning myself off of having my teddy bear, Patrick with me 24/7. Oh I still sleep with him tight to me... but I'm TRYING to grow up. It sucks. Lol but I am so ready to... so ready. I'm tired of being STUCK at age 14. I'm tired of being so afraid of the future. I am so so SO tired of being hurt... again and again and again. But the only thing i can change is me... so I am changing me. Or at least... letting God change me. That's what He's been waiting for all along.

So this job is so hard on me. I must have gagged a million times just this morning. But... i think this is God keeping me where He wants me... totally humbled... totally abased. I pray so much within every day... every time I have to lift her... every time I have to help her go to the bathroom... just every time. It's one of those things that you want to say "oh God may I never live that way." But if I did live that way... all that I pray is that God will send someone who truly cares. Who stands by me even with the gagging and struggles. I am used to humblness right now... not that I'm amazing at it or perfect... but the idea of more humility is not... terrifying to me. I just need people to be able to stand by me... and even if I don't have that... I need God.

I tried to watch Napoleon Dynamite the other day... and I couldn't do it. I know that kind of... loser-ism... rejection... all that. I literally sat there and bawled throughout that "comedy". Oh I know he gets "redeemed" in the end... but I can't go through the hour or 2 hours of hurt and rejection to get the 5 minutes of redemption in the end. That gives me a very dismal view of my life. I'll have rejection through all the years of my life to have a small moment of happiness. I can't think that way.

Anyway... I have so much to figure out... and I just don't know what my life is going to look like. But I don't let myself think any farther than the evening... I don't think about tomorrow or the day after. I'm TERRIFIED of Thanksgiving... all the family asking questions etc. *UGH* Anyway...

That's all I have for now folks!

Swimming in new waters...

So... I finally gave in and started a blog... I'm not sure why except writing helps me a lot. It helps me clear my thoughts and see things clearer... it gives me a peace about what's going on and what's going to happen. Plus I have some interesting writings and thoughts I'd love to share with people, so that just in case my strugglings and winnings and losings can impact other people and help them see what to do and what NOT to do. So we'll see how this works. =)

I'm going to begin by post a whole bunch of old stuff... everything I've written this week and some short stories and poems etc so that I have a beginning. I just have to be careful what I post and what I don't... I don't want people to steal my brilliant ideas. Just kidding. I don't want to be too vulnerable to people I don't know.

I hope that all of you who happen to come across me are lifted up by my writings, my fears and loves and hopes. That you find GOD in me... some how, some way... and that He finds you.

Be Blessed.

In Christ Alone,

~Aves - Bat Kol